No Holds Barred: A compilation of rants, raves, movie and book reviews, R & R escapades, relationships, office workloads, and stories to ponder. For this year, this is also going to be our wedding blog. Updates and Review on Wedding Suppliers will posted here...Honeymoon experience and other escapades will also be posted.
When something is not right, dont be afraid to say "Hey, something is wrong!"
Sunday, July 08, 2007
Late this morning, Russell and I engaged into a fight that almost made me decide to call-off the wedding so just imagine the level of intensity of my anger and disappointment. For the past 17 months, I am the only one who's been working on the wedding preparations as I don't want to be a burden to both of our families. Miski nga singkong duling, ayaw kong mag contribute sila because this is OUR wedding. Call it pride (or to some, kayabangan) but I do not want my (or his) parents to shoulder any wedding expense. I want to make our parents proud, that they were able to raise good, if not perfect, offspring. I want to prove them that we are really responsible adults, that we can take care of ourselves. From church to invitation supplier hunting, I did all of those all by myself. I am no superwoman but I managed to squeeze in some of time at work preparing and researching over the Internet. If not for the yahoo support group where I got most of my suppliers, siguro hanggang ngaun, church and reception venue pa lang ang naa-accomplish namin (We are 90% done...legal and church requirements and the only things we need to follow-up). We got on-the-day wedding coordination service but I want to personally take care of OUR wedding.
I can understand that his contributions to the wedding preps will be limited. What I actually didn't like is the "idea" (or maybe I am just paranoid) that he doesn't want to talk about wedding preparations. Punyeta, hindi ko naman sya pinilit na mag-propose so what's the reason for avoiding such topic? To make the situation even worse is the fact that I could sense his excitement over his college's upcoming reunion where he will see his ex (ahHhm, his gf before me). Don't get me wrong. I am not jealous of the person but moreso, of the event. It seems that he gives more importance to that than our wedding. I literally cried and told him over the phone that if he doesn't want to, we might as well call off the wedding (and then I hung up). We share the wedding expense 50-50 but I am no longer interested with the money. He could contact all our suppliers whom we have already made payments. I will not run after those refunds.
As hard as I would like to accept it, it seems as my thoughts focus on the upcoming wedding, we are drifting apart from each other.
"I want to get my life back!" That's what I told him over YM. He tried calling me a lot of times after I hung up the phone but I wouldn't answer. I don't want to talk to him. I am afraid that I would lose my composure, that I would breakdown- something that I don't want to happen. I need him but I don't want to give him the idea that "I can't live without him" because for me, that is an absolutely crap. As in FULL and CREAM of the crap!
"I want to get my life back!"--- I changed myself for him. I used to be a party-animal and an alcohol camel (di ko lang talaga kinaya ang manigarilyo). I used to be loud, feisty and center of attention in almost all of the occasions I would attend. But when I met him, I learned how to take the backseat, how to be happy with just the two of us without knowing what is in store for us for tomorrow. He (was) is my world. For five years, I rarely go out with friends and co-workers. If not for the company outing/anniversary and christmas party, I don't really go out. Kaya nga lahat na ng koreanovela at cable series eh napanood ko na. Sure there were times that I would sneak out from the office to meet my old time cyber friends but aside from that, wala as zero ang social life ko.
I am really not a demanding fiancée. Ang gusto ko lang naman eh makitaan sya ng iniative and excitement na gusto nya ding asikasuhin yung kasal. Napapagod din kasi ako. Miski makina nago-overheat. Nagagawa nyang mag organize ng reunion but he can't do the same for us. Laging naka-asa sa akin. Laging "kaya mo yan" ang lines na ginagamit nya. Minsan I told him in a joking tone that "Bayaran mo ko kapag umuwi ka na for my wedding coordination service at ihahanap na rin kita ng bride!"
(Eksenang Airport 2003...I really hate "good byes")
Pati mga bagay na di naman dapat maungkat, nasali because I was deeply hurt. Ang tagal-tagal ko syang hinitay. 5 fucking long distance years. For such a long time, nagkakasya lang ako sa maiikling yearly vacation nya, sa YM, sa email, sa mga tawag. Hindi naman ako makati at pariwara na gumagala kapag wala sya. I promised him na kung aalis sya, kung san nya ko iniwan, dun nya rin ako matatagpuan. Hindi ako malandi. I don't want to cheat on him because I know how to be cheated. Been there, done that. Pati yung mga online flirting incident minsan nauungkat din. I can't help it. Our relationship practically blossomed on the cyber space. It started with a unique "Gago" (me to him) and "Bakla ka ba?" (Russell to me). Having said that, hindi din minsan maalis sa isip ko na baka ipagpalit nya ko sa nakilala nya sa internet. It's really not that impossible kasi dun nga kami nagsimula di ba?
Pati yung mga online flirting incident minsan nauungkat din. I can't help it. Our relationship practically blossomed on the cyber space. It started with a unique "Gago ka" (me to him) and "Bakla ka ba?" (Russell to me). Having said that, hindi din minsan maalis sa isip ko na baka ipagpalit nya ko sa nakilala nya sa internet. It's really not that impossible kasi dun nga kami nagsimula di ba?
We had a very long conversation err argument before we were able to fix the problem. It was a good thing though that we compromised. I told him that if we are going to get married, WE have to work things out. Not just I .
One thing i realized: as the marriage becomes older, when good sex is
gone, when financial stability is no longer an issue, when our kids finally have their own families, COMMUNICATION is the key element in making a relationship grow even much fonder.
I miss him though... God, three months still seem to be FOREVER to me... tamang 'inarte at senti na naman ako. hayYyy...
psssttt... know what? forgot where i heard this from but, sabi nila once the communication or conversation is gone between partners, dapat mag divorce na sila.. :-)
Funny but there are some truth to it. Kahit misunderstanding and argument siguro counts as conversation... comprpmising counts as communication too. You tell each other what you want to say. Tama... kung wala ng mapag usapan, wala na.
sis, i could relate to your feelings. I could really understand you..ganyan talaga if your in the edge of everything. But, Im telling you walang problemang di malulutas pag di pinag usapan. At least now your both OK na. Dapat you will delegate some of the wedding preparation to some of your family members din. I was like you din when were preparing our wedding...naging praning ako minsan...to the point that I don't want to get married na kasi nga we are in a long distance relationship. Smile always! Goodluck sa wedding preps mo...
reading this made me remember when I was also busy preparing for my own wedding. That was 5 years ago na. Like you I did all of the preparations , coz he was here in japan and I was back at pinas.
whew, mahirap talaga and its true that sometimes you feel that ikaw lang ang nagpupursigi so its okay to get mad really. For how would he know what you feel if you dont tell him, di ba??
good luck! Next time i hope to read a post about your wonderful wedding.
wag ng mag-init ang ulo...every party needs to understand that people miss things na minsan he or she doesnt even know na someone is pissed...esp on LD relationships...
I had a relationship na kulang na lang ring. we've known each other for 7 years...but we stumbled along the way simply because we lost the love...started at petty quarrels...i dont wanna see that happening to you ma'am...
sadly love is fading when couples don't see each other more often than they should do...from seeing each other kc you can discuss anything under the sun...it steams kc sundry topics na you wouldnt know could spark something from your chit chats...i think we lost that...sana sa inyo hindi...kung hindi man nawala, the joy of talking to each other was replaced with preconceived idea na magaaway kame...
anywys i know you're strng and determined ma'am...everything will be fine...
y'know what mare, same here...i actually can relate to your sentiments, waaay back before we got serious in our relationship,hell, i was a party animal big time! from alcohol to yosi..yes yosi...super dependent ako dun. but then, sabi ko once maging stable kame sa relasyon i will completely let go of everything, from night life to friends to yosi. twas so hard but i was happy.but then sometimes i miss my ol' self... i miss being the boss... :)
Name: ruther Home: Ontario, Canada About Me: *25-something faggot
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psssttt... know what? forgot where i heard this from but, sabi nila once the communication or conversation is gone between partners, dapat mag divorce na sila.. :-)
Funny but there are some truth to it. Kahit misunderstanding and argument siguro counts as conversation... comprpmising counts as communication too. You tell each other what you want to say. Tama... kung wala ng mapag usapan, wala na.
I'm glad you two worked things out! ;) Mabuhay!!